In Limbo

So, I’ve been holding a real positive outlook these past couple of days and not letting much get to me. Even though, I don’t want to be in this relationship and find it really hard to get out, it’s been good these past few days.

I still don’t think this is what I want it to be for the rest of my life. I just have to keep searching for that opportunity to come…or make it happen.

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Sweet Temptation

Lets talk about you M.R. I used to have the biggest attraction to you. I remember passing the halls, catching a glimpse of your eyes and that smile that makes me melt. I used to do the impossible to make sure I would never miss seeing you. I was so comfortable around you. I could be myself and you just never judged me nor made me feel inferior.

I remember that time we were walking between buildings and we held hands without even thinking about it. We looked at each other with awe. Wondered why it was such an instinct move.

I remember all the random calls you used to make. You’d talk about this girl and that girl; always making me feel a little jealous, but comforted to know you would call me and no one else.

I loved it when you would tell me to come visit you at work. I loved that you would make me your specialty. Anything to catch a glimpse of that smile.

And now, I find myself thinking of you years later. Still yearning to explore that temptation that still lives inside me. The last time we talked I was beyond excited to find out that just like I did back then, you were dying to fall into temptation with me. Listening to you describe the things you love about me is still incredible. I still want to fall into temptation with you and want to lust over you time and time again.

You are my guilty pleasure.

My Letter to You

After all these years, I’ve decided to come forward and clean my slate. Today, I lay my cards on the table to tell you that after almost 10 years, I find myself back to that moment in time when you were mine and I was yours.

Our relationship was simple, pure, and innocent, I would have given you my all. I wanted to, but you betrayed me. You hurt me. I put up a strong demeanor, but it broke me. I wanted you to come back, I wanted you to make it right.

And after a couple of years, you did. You came back, but I didn’t give in. I know that I lost my chance. It is one of my biggest regrets. Now years later, I can’t live with myself. I can’t be completely happy.

I’ve succeeded in other areas of my life…college, work, career, etc. But, it’s not enough I’m missing you. I’ve reached out to you time and time again. Every time I followed my instinct and it happens to be in a time when you are going through something. I swear by my instinct feelings. I knew when you lost your first baby girl. No one told me, I felt the pain and then I found out. I felt the same gut feeling when you went through those tough times with Julia, and then again when you were at the hospital from your accident at work. I’ve always felt connected to you. I can’t even explain it.

Crazy, I know. Stupid, maybe.

But, I can’t escape the thought of you. I’m always wondering how you are, what you’re doing, if you’re happy, if things are going your way, and if you even think of me. I swear I dream of you at least 3 times a week. I wake up and realize that it’s not real. I realize that you are not with me.

I want your kisses, your hugs, your sweet love. I miss it. I miss it all. And even though you’ve got two little ones, I don’t care. I would love them as my own, because they are your everything.

Just tell me you feel the same and I promise to leave everything behind just for you. You’re my happiness. And, if I am too late, I understand. I will back off entirely. I will let you be happy. I just need to hear it from you. Tell me baby, that you still love me like I love you.

I’ve never stopped loving you RRM ❤

Oh dad, why do you insist on not being my dad?

This Father’s Day was very difficult. You insist on being grudgeful and still not speak to me. Dad, I miss you. I hated the fact that you weren’t around to celebrate your day with me. Instead you’re with your new family. I understand, things between you and mom didn’t work out. Yet, my sister, brother and I have taken the fault in all of this.

Do you even realize how many people wished to have their father with them, but can’t. I have you, but you don’t want to be around.

I love you dad. No matter what has happened, the way you act, I still love you daddy. You’re still my hero.

Letting go of memories of past love

I have been with someone for over 7 years now. This relationship is nowhere near as how it was in the beginning. You can assume its a mature relationship. There’s been a lot of difficulties and a lot of happiness, but I still find myself thinking of you.

After 9 years, I still think of you. Your face, your hands, your warmth, still think of it. Your kiss, your hug, your love, still think of it. I close my eyes and I see what our future could have been. I see you and me happy. I see your smile and its all I ever needed. Then, I open my eyes and you’re not there. I remember that all those beautiful things never happened and you’re miles away.

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How do I let go of all these memories? How do I tell myself that you’re no longer a possibility? How do I stop being unfair to the person who I am currently with?

Just tell me you feel the same way as me, and I’ll leave all this behind. JUST FOR YOU.