Numb

So, I’ve somehow have managed to suppress the thoughts of you RM, for now.

My sister had been living with me for about 5 1/2 months and she just moved out this week. I am very happy for her because she is discovering independence and responsibility. I can’t seem to stop thinking that you drove her out of the house. You are such an arrogant, commanding, asshole. I share the same views as them in regards to your behavior, but at the same time all the issues around the house could have ceased to exist if there wasn’t a sense of irresponsibility. At the end of the day, you are a huge part of the decision of them moving out and now I am stuck with a whole set of other problems.

I think I have had it with you. I don’t feel the same. I don’t enjoy your company. I don’t want to see you. You annoy me. It’s time for us to go our separate ways. Again, I am stuck on how in the world do I tell you without your ridiculous reactions and stupid assumptions. No, I am not looking for anyone else and no I am not seeing anyone. I just want to be alone. I want to be by myself. I have had to tell you that you are priority for the past 7+years. I am sorry, but you are no longer it. I don’t care about what you have to say. You bore me. And please stop talking about children and adoption I don’t want that. I know it upsets you, but unfortunately those are my true feelings.

If it isn’t because of our financial status and our stupid lease, I would have walked away already.

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In All My Dreams Lately

RRM,

Why are you in my dreams?

Every time you are in them there is something going on with you. A time where I reach out to you to find out that you are in distress.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to dream about you. It is the only thing  I can hold on to. It’s the only reality that I can pretend exists. It really makes me crazy though. I can’t share these dreams with you. I can’t ask you what you think. I can’t ask you if you are even okay.

I decided to be bold today and I dialed your number. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t resist. I had to. My feelings get all crazy and my mind tells me to do it. I got your voice mail. I heard you say your name. That right there was an inexplicable moment. I can’t even tell you how it made me feel. What I do know is that I haven’t actually heard your voice in more than 5 years. It’s bittersweet because it sounds exactly the same way I hear it in my mind.

Part of me wishes you would have answered, although honestly, I think I would just panic and hang up. The other part of me is relieved you didn’t answer, because I know that with your new wife that would only mean trouble for you.

Yeah, because the one time I didn’t follow my instincts, you went to get married. I’ve heard so much about how this person treats you and how she has turned you against your family. I don’t understand it though. I know you aren’t that way. Where is your anger coming from? Why are you turning your back on them? Yes, they have their faults and mistakes, but they are your family and at the end of the day, they will be there for you.

I hope you are thinking of me today like I am.

Ring The Bell

From the last time I wrote on my blog through today, a lot of things have happened. I feel my life is similar to the carnival game “Ring the Bell”. Depending on how hard my effort is to maintain the

Credit Prime Time Interactive

Credit Prime Time Interactive

relationship, the higher the possibility of ringing that bell. But, after so many tries to hit that bell, you become tired and you keep missing.

As of today, it has been a week and a half of trying to make this relationship work. It feels awkward sometimes. I doesn’t feel right. I feel annoyed at the thought of trying harder. Why can’t I just say enough is enough? Why do I wait for you to say it? Why do I hold on to the tid bit that you will one day really mean it? And why do I always feel bad when I agree that it’s supposed to be completely over?

I’m afraid of loneliness. I know I should just let go, but it’s so difficult.