I haven’t blogged in a while and I know it doesn’t really matter, because no one actually reads this. Anyway, I’ve been having a hard time with myself. I broke down and finally spoke up. I said what I’ve been holding back for so long. I didn’t think that I could ever say all the things that go through my head without being judged or even believed. I know that I am a very emotional person, even dramatic, but this time it was real for me. I was reaching for a hand – for help. I don’t know if I am just terribly confused about everything and experiencing a blurred version of what is truly real. However, the emotions and thoughts that happen inside of me proof me wrong each and every day. Yes, I feel like this. Yes, I don’t understand it.
I really don’t want to go to a psychiatrist. I really don’t. Maybe it’ll be better?
My struggles are so intertwined with these negative thoughts that I just am at a loss of words.
Here we go again on the same damn argument. You don’t understand how frustrating you are. You don’t understand that I don’t think like you. You ask for so much in return, but you aren’t giving anything back.
I want to know how its easy for you to just want to pack your bags and leave. I told you I didn’t think it was going to work out. I tried to stop all of this from happening. You didn’t listen, but I guess I am at fault too. I wanted a house so bad. I really wanted everything, but it’s not without getting a bunch of mess in return. I wish I could turn back time and just really walk away.
I can help but think about how my life would be without you. I would be okay. I would struggle financially, but it’s not the end of the world. I would have to figure it out right? I always do. I have to. I want to.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m giving up, but I don’t want to. It’s too much effort to try to make this work.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I have been wondering what life would be like if I wouldn’t have asked the question on 5/13/06 or if I would have listened to when you came by the house. I wonder if things would have been better if I would have walked away a long time ago or if this is something waiting to happen even though we just invested in a $200k+ house. Do I really want to be rooted here? Is there something out there for me?
My relationship with you hasn’t changed since we last discussed what we both wanted. I know it’s not something that changes overnight, but at least some attempt should be made. I feel like I’m just going through life and. It living it. I want to feel protected, loved, cherished, appreciated, and special. I want to be held in strong arms with reassurance that I will be okay and it will never end.
Here I am again finding myself in the same place. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I know that I don’t want to take the plunge. What’s the plunge you ask, closing on a $205k house with someone you know you don’t love anymore. It’s not that I don’t love M at all. I just don’t love M like M wants me to. I am at a friendship love level. I can’t hold myself down to knowing I’m getting into this big compromise when I know that it’s not my happily ever after. I feel like crap knowing I’m signing this and that the only reason is because I want a house. I don’t want to hurt M’s feelings. What would we do? We are so far into the process. It’s only two weeks away before we sign! I almost wish there was some type of reason that would stop this from happening, but at the same time I don’t.
I keep thinking on what and how my life would be if I just let go. Would I be ok? Yes. Would I be sad? Maybe. Would it be the best choice for me? Absolutely.
Last night I woke up from a dream at 2am. I woke up with the biggest sigh ever and quickly realized that I was awake. I was spending time with your mom because I was very depressed. The only thing that would make me feel better was being around her. Now, let’s not ignore the big detail, that while I was able to be with her I was being supervised by M. I was conscience of what was happening when the side door to the home opened and you came out. You saw me and I could tell you were surprised. You wanted to tell me something, but you looked back and saw M and knew that you couldn’t talked to me. You kept going in and out and I kept wanting to know what you were trying to say, but it just never happened. I woke up gasping because the last thing I remember was me going inside the house looking for you and never finding you. You left me like sand through my fingers.
I had not been writing for a long time. I tried actually writing down my thoughts on paper and to be honest, I feel that it leaves too much of a risky trail. What I feel and think and is usually not shared with anyone I know. I don’t think anyone would understand and there’s just so many things that go through my head. I don’t even know if the things I am thinking are normal. I have no one to ask, I really wish I did though. I learned the last couple of months that people are not very trustworthy. I had a roommate for almost a year – coworker who found herself kicked out of her fiancée’s house because he found out that she was texting another guy, so much drama. Anyway, I opened my doors to my house to her. I thought it would be great. I finally had someone to build a friendship with. Then after several months, I learned that all the things I thought were kept under had all surfaced. It sucks because i felt betrayed. But, I’m over it.
On top of everything, I got approved to buy a house. I’m in the process of building it. The finish date is set for June. I have been thinking of all the reasons why this was a wrong decision. I can’t keep myself from thinking that I just tied myself even further. I don’t have the relationship I want. It’s just not what I imagined. I feel hopeless.
As you have noticed, I do not have people who I can share what I blog about with. So, since this is pretty much anonymous (and no one really reads it). What the heck. I’m just going to go ahead and type this dream out.
So about two days ago, I had a dream that I lived in a house that had about 3 rooms. I was showing RM’s brother around the house I was living in. Next thing you know, we are on the bed and he starts kissing me. I remember in my dream thinking that he was the worst kisser in the world, due to his small mouth. Anyway one thing lead to another, and I remember thinking damn it, I’m going to be pregnant and then remembering I took my pill. So, weird.
Two days ago, I had a dream where I was at my old house and I knew that I was going to get surprised, but I didn’t know what the surprise was. As I looked out through the sliding door, I could feel how excited and happy I was and I knew that the surprise was coming. I wished and hoped that it was you. As I stood there I felt your hands cover my eyes, and I immediately turned and saw your face. The feeling is so magnificent. I don’t even have the words to describe it. I still feel butterflies as I type this. I wish it was real. I don’t remember the rest of my dream. I just remember this part. It was the best thing in the world. I knew I was dreaming in my dream, but I wanted to see you so bad and you came to me.
I was thinking about how my aunt reunited with the one she always loved many years after their relationship ended. I’d say about 15 years later. I wondered if that would be what would possibly happen to you and me. I hope so. I love you and your family. I keep up with their lives through Facebook and wish I could be there to celebrate all the good times and to comfort them through all the bad ones.
I keep listening to this song called “The Dreamer” and think of you.
Si tu, Me lo pidieras,
Yo te entregaria, todo mi corazon
Si tu, Asi lo quisieras,
Por toda la vida, Seria yo para ti
Y si tu, Me dieras una seña,
Que sientes lo mismo, Me harias tan feliz
And so the dreams come back and you are in trouble again. I have thought about you in the past weeks, but I haven’t driven myself crazy. But, yesterday was different.
I saw a picture of you. I read what happened. I can’t believe it. My mom told me the details and I can’t help but feel shocked and in need to talk to you. I want you to be okay.
I tried your number last night, I think she kept your phone. It doesn’t matter. I messaged you this morning. I had to. Everything told me to.