Tied Down and Liberated

I can feel the changes I am making. I am happier and doing better at work. A lot more conversations are happening between my corporate team and I. It’s pretty awesome. I finally feel I am part of the team and that the team actually likes me.

My personality is reviving itself. I has suppressed it for so many years. I had become an introvert, even though it’s not in my nature. But now, I’m feeling good. I’m feeling like me.

Of course, just like anything else you don’t like it. I must be “cheating” and “sleeping with someone else” because I’m actually happy. You don’t like the idea of me being my own person. You want me to be like you, but guess what. I DON’T WANT TO.

Now I have to pretend I’m someone else when I come home to you. I am two different persons everyday. Why do I subject myself to this? Yes, this must stop.

Yesterday, I finally voiced my mind out and I proceeded to be naturally me. And of course, you take everything offensively. You have to make a huge deal over something so tiny. I keep thinking to myself, why am I still in a relationship with you? Ok, so I know the damn house lease and current financial situation. Other than that, I pretty much would have walked out already.

I feel liberated but tied down at the same time.

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My mind is full of you

I am back to thinking of you all the time again. I keep thinking about how after all this time you still have my thoughts and my heart. I talked about you to someone recently and I can’t get rid of the butterflies in my stomach. I dialed your number today. I wanted you to answer. I want to hear your voice. I hope you return my call. I hope you know it’s me that called.

I wish for you to be thinking of me.

Numb

So, I’ve somehow have managed to suppress the thoughts of you RM, for now.

My sister had been living with me for about 5 1/2 months and she just moved out this week. I am very happy for her because she is discovering independence and responsibility. I can’t seem to stop thinking that you drove her out of the house. You are such an arrogant, commanding, asshole. I share the same views as them in regards to your behavior, but at the same time all the issues around the house could have ceased to exist if there wasn’t a sense of irresponsibility. At the end of the day, you are a huge part of the decision of them moving out and now I am stuck with a whole set of other problems.

I think I have had it with you. I don’t feel the same. I don’t enjoy your company. I don’t want to see you. You annoy me. It’s time for us to go our separate ways. Again, I am stuck on how in the world do I tell you without your ridiculous reactions and stupid assumptions. No, I am not looking for anyone else and no I am not seeing anyone. I just want to be alone. I want to be by myself. I have had to tell you that you are priority for the past 7+years. I am sorry, but you are no longer it. I don’t care about what you have to say. You bore me. And please stop talking about children and adoption I don’t want that. I know it upsets you, but unfortunately those are my true feelings.

If it isn’t because of our financial status and our stupid lease, I would have walked away already.

In All My Dreams Lately

RRM,

Why are you in my dreams?

Every time you are in them there is something going on with you. A time where I reach out to you to find out that you are in distress.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to dream about you. It is the only thing  I can hold on to. It’s the only reality that I can pretend exists. It really makes me crazy though. I can’t share these dreams with you. I can’t ask you what you think. I can’t ask you if you are even okay.

I decided to be bold today and I dialed your number. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t resist. I had to. My feelings get all crazy and my mind tells me to do it. I got your voice mail. I heard you say your name. That right there was an inexplicable moment. I can’t even tell you how it made me feel. What I do know is that I haven’t actually heard your voice in more than 5 years. It’s bittersweet because it sounds exactly the same way I hear it in my mind.

Part of me wishes you would have answered, although honestly, I think I would just panic and hang up. The other part of me is relieved you didn’t answer, because I know that with your new wife that would only mean trouble for you.

Yeah, because the one time I didn’t follow my instincts, you went to get married. I’ve heard so much about how this person treats you and how she has turned you against your family. I don’t understand it though. I know you aren’t that way. Where is your anger coming from? Why are you turning your back on them? Yes, they have their faults and mistakes, but they are your family and at the end of the day, they will be there for you.

I hope you are thinking of me today like I am.

Ring The Bell

From the last time I wrote on my blog through today, a lot of things have happened. I feel my life is similar to the carnival game “Ring the Bell”. Depending on how hard my effort is to maintain the

Credit Prime Time Interactive

Credit Prime Time Interactive

relationship, the higher the possibility of ringing that bell. But, after so many tries to hit that bell, you become tired and you keep missing.

As of today, it has been a week and a half of trying to make this relationship work. It feels awkward sometimes. I doesn’t feel right. I feel annoyed at the thought of trying harder. Why can’t I just say enough is enough? Why do I wait for you to say it? Why do I hold on to the tid bit that you will one day really mean it? And why do I always feel bad when I agree that it’s supposed to be completely over?

I’m afraid of loneliness. I know I should just let go, but it’s so difficult.

In Limbo

So, I’ve been holding a real positive outlook these past couple of days and not letting much get to me. Even though, I don’t want to be in this relationship and find it really hard to get out, it’s been good these past few days.

I still don’t think this is what I want it to be for the rest of my life. I just have to keep searching for that opportunity to come…or make it happen.

Sweet Temptation

Lets talk about you M.R. I used to have the biggest attraction to you. I remember passing the halls, catching a glimpse of your eyes and that smile that makes me melt. I used to do the impossible to make sure I would never miss seeing you. I was so comfortable around you. I could be myself and you just never judged me nor made me feel inferior.

I remember that time we were walking between buildings and we held hands without even thinking about it. We looked at each other with awe. Wondered why it was such an instinct move.

I remember all the random calls you used to make. You’d talk about this girl and that girl; always making me feel a little jealous, but comforted to know you would call me and no one else.

I loved it when you would tell me to come visit you at work. I loved that you would make me your specialty. Anything to catch a glimpse of that smile.

And now, I find myself thinking of you years later. Still yearning to explore that temptation that still lives inside me. The last time we talked I was beyond excited to find out that just like I did back then, you were dying to fall into temptation with me. Listening to you describe the things you love about me is still incredible. I still want to fall into temptation with you and want to lust over you time and time again.

You are my guilty pleasure.

My Letter to You

After all these years, I’ve decided to come forward and clean my slate. Today, I lay my cards on the table to tell you that after almost 10 years, I find myself back to that moment in time when you were mine and I was yours.

Our relationship was simple, pure, and innocent, I would have given you my all. I wanted to, but you betrayed me. You hurt me. I put up a strong demeanor, but it broke me. I wanted you to come back, I wanted you to make it right.

And after a couple of years, you did. You came back, but I didn’t give in. I know that I lost my chance. It is one of my biggest regrets. Now years later, I can’t live with myself. I can’t be completely happy.

I’ve succeeded in other areas of my life…college, work, career, etc. But, it’s not enough I’m missing you. I’ve reached out to you time and time again. Every time I followed my instinct and it happens to be in a time when you are going through something. I swear by my instinct feelings. I knew when you lost your first baby girl. No one told me, I felt the pain and then I found out. I felt the same gut feeling when you went through those tough times with Julia, and then again when you were at the hospital from your accident at work. I’ve always felt connected to you. I can’t even explain it.

Crazy, I know. Stupid, maybe.

But, I can’t escape the thought of you. I’m always wondering how you are, what you’re doing, if you’re happy, if things are going your way, and if you even think of me. I swear I dream of you at least 3 times a week. I wake up and realize that it’s not real. I realize that you are not with me.

I want your kisses, your hugs, your sweet love. I miss it. I miss it all. And even though you’ve got two little ones, I don’t care. I would love them as my own, because they are your everything.

Just tell me you feel the same and I promise to leave everything behind just for you. You’re my happiness. And, if I am too late, I understand. I will back off entirely. I will let you be happy. I just need to hear it from you. Tell me baby, that you still love me like I love you.

I’ve never stopped loving you RRM ❤

Oh dad, why do you insist on not being my dad?

This Father’s Day was very difficult. You insist on being grudgeful and still not speak to me. Dad, I miss you. I hated the fact that you weren’t around to celebrate your day with me. Instead you’re with your new family. I understand, things between you and mom didn’t work out. Yet, my sister, brother and I have taken the fault in all of this.

Do you even realize how many people wished to have their father with them, but can’t. I have you, but you don’t want to be around.

I love you dad. No matter what has happened, the way you act, I still love you daddy. You’re still my hero.