In All My Dreams Lately

RRM,

Why are you in my dreams?

Every time you are in them there is something going on with you. A time where I reach out to you to find out that you are in distress.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to dream about you. It is the only thing  I can hold on to. It’s the only reality that I can pretend exists. It really makes me crazy though. I can’t share these dreams with you. I can’t ask you what you think. I can’t ask you if you are even okay.

I decided to be bold today and I dialed your number. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t resist. I had to. My feelings get all crazy and my mind tells me to do it. I got your voice mail. I heard you say your name. That right there was an inexplicable moment. I can’t even tell you how it made me feel. What I do know is that I haven’t actually heard your voice in more than 5 years. It’s bittersweet because it sounds exactly the same way I hear it in my mind.

Part of me wishes you would have answered, although honestly, I think I would just panic and hang up. The other part of me is relieved you didn’t answer, because I know that with your new wife that would only mean trouble for you.

Yeah, because the one time I didn’t follow my instincts, you went to get married. I’ve heard so much about how this person treats you and how she has turned you against your family. I don’t understand it though. I know you aren’t that way. Where is your anger coming from? Why are you turning your back on them? Yes, they have their faults and mistakes, but they are your family and at the end of the day, they will be there for you.

I hope you are thinking of me today like I am.

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